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The Svalbard Ski Marathon, the area’s biggest local annual event, has been cancelled for the second straight year due to the COVID-19 pandemic. But for those able to appreciate the experience in a non-competitive way (and appreciate not paying the usual race fees), a near-marathon ski course will be offered Saturday and Sunday as part of an “alternative” Longyearbyen Ski Festival.
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I'm a professional transient living on a tiny Norwegian island next door to the North Pole, where once a week (or thereabouts) I pollute our extreme and pristine environment with paper fishwrappers decorated with seemingly random letters that would cause a thousand monkeys with a thousand typewriters to die of humiliation. Such is the wisdom one acquires after more than 25 years in the world's second-least-respected occupation, much of it roaming the seven continents in search of jazz, unrecognizable street food and escorts I f****d with by insisting they give me the platonic tours of their cities promised in their ads. But it turns out this tiny group of islands known as Svalbard is my True Love and, generous contributions from you willing, I'll keep littering until they dig my body out when my climate-change-deformed apartment collapses or they exile my penniless ass because I'm not even worthy of washing your dirty dishes.