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Since this week’s fishwrapper is pretty much all about random weirdness, it seems fitting to start this space off with an item that conveniently combines some of the more eye-opening stats of the past week. We’ve run stuff all year about record-high heat and precipitation, and record-low sea ice, so the record year-end figures weren’t in themselves all that shocking to us. But even so it did boggle our tiny minds to read the “Dec. 19-like” storm that hit last week pushed the edge of Svalbard’s ice sheet 60 to 70 kilometers further north, according to the Norwegian Metereorlogial Institute.
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I'm a professional transient living on a tiny Norwegian island next door to the North Pole, where once a week (or thereabouts) I pollute our extreme and pristine environment with paper fishwrappers decorated with seemingly random letters that would cause a thousand monkeys with a thousand typewriters to die of humiliation. Such is the wisdom one acquires after more than 25 years in the world's second-least-respected occupation, much of it roaming the seven continents in search of jazz, unrecognizable street food and escorts I f****d with by insisting they give me the platonic tours of their cities promised in their ads. But it turns out this tiny group of islands known as Svalbard is my True Love and, generous contributions from you willing, I'll keep littering until they dig my body out when my climate-change-deformed apartment collapses or they exile my penniless ass because I'm not even worthy of washing your dirty dishes.