‘DOOMSDAY VAULT’ FOR OREOS?! Cookie-maker claims stash of sugary snacks are in hastily-built Svalbard vault next to seed facility to safeguard against ‘Election Day Asteroid’

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Those outside the United States thinking they have nothing to fear from an Election Day apocalypse are oh-so-wrong on a global scale. It’s not merely that an asteroid might strike Earth (OK, that’d be pretty bad), but there’d be no desert after eating the replanted beans, rice and other wholesome foods safely housed in the Doomsday Vault.

However, it seems the caring corporate makers Oreos are riding to the rescue just in time, claiming in a YouTube video posted Friday they have built a new vault just for the chocolate sandwich cookies “down the road from the seed vault.”

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The new Oreo doomsday vault opened Friday at 78°08’58.1″N, 16°01’59.7″E, “down the road from the seed vault.” If you don’t see it in this last weekend of sunlight before the dark season maybe you’re just on a sugar high. Image courtesy of Mondelez International.
Actual scientists (the types who believe in things like climate change and wearing masks, so take it with what inherent bias you will) say a chunk of space rock known as Asteroid 2018 VP1 is scheduled to graze Earth on Nov. 2, the day before the U.S. elections. There is a 0.41 percent possibility of it entering the planet’s atmosphere, at which point it would supposedly disintegrate harmlessly – but, then again, countless millions are saying Trump’s going to be reelected no matter how bad the polls by those “numbers experts” get.

So the parent company of Oreos, Mondelez International, set out weeks ago to construct a safeguard sanctuary following an Oct. 3 tweet by “cookie fan” Olivia Gordon fretting “so apparently there’s an asteroid coming close to earth soon…I wonder who will save the Oreos?”

“Although we were told asteroid 2018VP1 had virtually no chance of hitting earth, we couldn’t be sure,” the company states in an overview of the five-minute video. “We built the Global OREO Vault into the permafrost of Svalbard, Norway with only one purpose: To make sure OREO cookies live on for generations to come.”

The video opens with a scout outside the “real vault”on Oct. 10, scouting an ideal location for a sweeter facility. The scout, Markus Thorland, described as the project manager and a designer for Johansdøtter Architecture, targets a vacant spot above the vault in the direction of Mine 3 (where there’s yet another “doomsday vault” for data).

“Our spot’s better (than the seed vault) because it’s higher,” he says. “If the asteroid hots lower in the water that will be safer for sure.”

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Markus Thorland, right, and an uncredited assistant (who describes him as quite cookie capable) work on a model of the Oreo Vault just a few weeks before the full facility is built. Photo courtesy of Mondelez International.
From there it’s back to his corporate office where he and others have only brief time to design a model before returning to Svalbard to construct a concrete bunker where, amazingly, the specially-packaged deposit of Oreos is far more protective than what’s in the seed and data vaults.

“As an added precaution, the Oreo packs are wrapped in mylar, which can withstand temperatures from -80 degrees to 300 degrees Fahrenheit and is impervious to chemical reactions, moisture and air, keeping the cookies fresh and protected for years to come,” the parent company said in a prepared statement.

(It’s also pretty amazing The Governor of Svalbard, Norwegian Food Safety Authority, and who knows how many other official agencies approved the permitting process so quickly. But with scant time before the possible doomsday it’s possible we won’t have proper time to do a full investigative report into anything going beyond what’s clearly defined as proper in black and white.)

Thorland claims he was told by his team members the vault was completed on Thursday, and a day later he and four cookie comrades celebrated the opening and deposited the sugar-shortening sandwiches (OK, we may also have to investigate how they dodged those pesky COVID-19 quarantine restrictions).

“It would be a shame for the world to end, but it’s a pretty good vault,” Thorland says, possibly with a tear in his eyes from the emotion of the moment – or the bitter cold.

The exact coordinates of the Oreo Vault, by the way, are 78°08’58.1″N, 16°01’59.7″E. (The seed vault is at 78°14’17.40″N, 15°26’50.05″E.)

However, don’t expect everyone to celebrate the new cookie chamber as salvation from the apocalypse – indeed, there are One Million Moms saying it’s Oreos that are going to trigger a worldly wrath due to ads featuring new Rainbow Oreos, starring those people sharing heartwarming “traditional family” experiences. As such, they are seeking salvation by calling for a boycott of all products by its parent company including such things as Tang, Halls Cough Drops and Sour Patch Kids.

About Post Author

Mark Sabbatini

I'm a professional transient living on a tiny Norwegian island next door to the North Pole, where once a week (or thereabouts) I pollute our extreme and pristine environment with paper fishwrappers decorated with seemingly random letters that would cause a thousand monkeys with a thousand typewriters to die of humiliation. Such is the wisdom one acquires after more than 25 years in the world's second-least-respected occupation, much of it roaming the seven continents in search of jazz, unrecognizable street food and escorts I f****d with by insisting they give me the platonic tours of their cities promised in their ads. But it turns out this tiny group of islands known as Svalbard is my True Love and, generous contributions from you willing, I'll keep littering until they dig my body out when my climate-change-deformed apartment collapses or they exile my penniless ass because I'm not even worthy of washing your dirty dishes.
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