0
0
Those outside the United States thinking they have nothing to fear from an Election Day apocalypse are oh-so-wrong on a global scale. It’s not merely that an asteroid might strike Earth (OK, that’d be pretty bad), but there’d be no desert after eating the replanted beans, rice and other wholesome foods safely housed in the Doomsday Vault.
However, it seems the caring corporate makers Oreos are riding to the rescue just in time, claiming in a YouTube video posted Friday they have built a new vault just for the chocolate sandwich cookies “down the road from the seed vault.”
So the parent company of Oreos, Mondelez International, set out weeks ago to construct a safeguard sanctuary following an Oct. 3 tweet by “cookie fan” Olivia Gordon fretting “so apparently there’s an asteroid coming close to earth soon…I wonder who will save the Oreos?”
“Although we were told asteroid 2018VP1 had virtually no chance of hitting earth, we couldn’t be sure,” the company states in an overview of the five-minute video. “We built the Global OREO Vault into the permafrost of Svalbard, Norway with only one purpose: To make sure OREO cookies live on for generations to come.”
The video opens with a scout outside the “real vault”on Oct. 10, scouting an ideal location for a sweeter facility. The scout, Markus Thorland, described as the project manager and a designer for Johansdøtter Architecture, targets a vacant spot above the vault in the direction of Mine 3 (where there’s yet another “doomsday vault” for data).
“Our spot’s better (than the seed vault) because it’s higher,” he says. “If the asteroid hots lower in the water that will be safer for sure.”
“As an added precaution, the Oreo packs are wrapped in mylar, which can withstand temperatures from -80 degrees to 300 degrees Fahrenheit and is impervious to chemical reactions, moisture and air, keeping the cookies fresh and protected for years to come,” the parent company said in a prepared statement.
(It’s also pretty amazing The Governor of Svalbard, Norwegian Food Safety Authority, and who knows how many other official agencies approved the permitting process so quickly. But with scant time before the possible doomsday it’s possible we won’t have proper time to do a full investigative report into anything going beyond what’s clearly defined as proper in black and white.)
Thorland claims he was told by his team members the vault was completed on Thursday, and a day later he and four cookie comrades celebrated the opening and deposited the sugar-shortening sandwiches (OK, we may also have to investigate how they dodged those pesky COVID-19 quarantine restrictions).
“It would be a shame for the world to end, but it’s a pretty good vault,” Thorland says, possibly with a tear in his eyes from the emotion of the moment – or the bitter cold.
The exact coordinates of the Oreo Vault, by the way, are 78°08’58.1″N, 16°01’59.7″E. (The seed vault is at 78°14’17.40″N, 15°26’50.05″E.)
However, don’t expect everyone to celebrate the new cookie chamber as salvation from the apocalypse – indeed, there are One Million Moms saying it’s Oreos that are going to trigger a worldly wrath due to ads featuring new Rainbow Oreos, starring those people sharing heartwarming “traditional family” experiences. As such, they are seeking salvation by calling for a boycott of all products by its parent company including such things as Tang, Halls Cough Drops and Sour Patch Kids.
Ok it’s still some days till April 1st, but this one is a nice season starter.
I thought April fools was still a ways off! lol