Random weirdness for the week of June 30, 2015


It’s probably not obvious to the untrained human eye, but that massive wrinkled lump to the right is one of the sexiest sea creatures on the planet – what would happen if you combined Lara Croft, Pamela Anderson and eight others of their protuberance (or their male appendage equivalents). The sex stud was spotted among a herd of walrus in northern Svalbard by Swiss photographer Franco Banfi, who told the Irish Mirror “I kept staring at his eyes – they look almost human like apart from the fact they are quite red in color.” The lumps on the walrus, which Banfi estimated was more than three meters in length, are known as nodes, generally appear on certain blessed males during puberty and “are believed to be a secondary sex characteristic,” according to the newspaper. We can’t say we’ve had a mental image of walrus sex before, but since we’re now afflicted with the disturbing vision of what a hormone-crazy beast like that might be capable we of course feel the need to pass it on…

One picture we refuse to publish no matter how sexy a certain subset of alleged humans might find it is how Kim Kardashian would look if she were visiting Longyearbyen, according to a new app that supposedly matches her with the perfect outfit for any location on Earth. The digital media website Mashable tested the Kim.Guru app picks for various locations and in Svalbard it “seems like Kim could get away with athletic tights and a high necked sweater … Sneakers are also a good choice for not slipping over on all that permafrost.” We’re not sure the software is glitch-free, however, since the recommendation for the Arctic town of Nunavut, Iqaluit, is “a backless bodycon dress may work on a mid-summer day, but definitely not everyday. Also, it might be hard to outrun a polar bear in an outfit that streamlined.”