Random weirdness for the week of June 30, 2015

sexywalrus
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It’s probably not obvious to the untrained human eye, but that massive wrinkled lump to the right is one of the sexiest sea creatures on the planet – what would happen if you combined Lara Croft, Pamela Anderson and eight others of their protuberance (or their male appendage equivalents). The sex stud was spotted among a herd of walrus in northern Svalbard by Swiss photographer Franco Banfi, who told the Irish Mirror “I kept staring at his eyes – they look almost human like apart from the fact they are quite red in color.” The lumps on the walrus, which Banfi estimated was more than three meters in length, are known as nodes, generally appear on certain blessed males during puberty and “are believed to be a secondary sex characteristic,” according to the newspaper. We can’t say we’ve had a mental image of walrus sex before, but since we’re now afflicted with the disturbing vision of what a hormone-crazy beast like that might be capable we of course feel the need to pass it on…

One picture we refuse to publish no matter how sexy a certain subset of alleged humans might find it is how Kim Kardashian would look if she were visiting Longyearbyen, according to a new app that supposedly matches her with the perfect outfit for any location on Earth. The digital media website Mashable tested the Kim.Guru app picks for various locations and in Svalbard it “seems like Kim could get away with athletic tights and a high necked sweater … Sneakers are also a good choice for not slipping over on all that permafrost.” We’re not sure the software is glitch-free, however, since the recommendation for the Arctic town of Nunavut, Iqaluit, is “a backless bodycon dress may work on a mid-summer day, but definitely not everyday. Also, it might be hard to outrun a polar bear in an outfit that streamlined.”

About Post Author

Mark Sabbatini

I'm a professional transient living on a tiny Norwegian island next door to the North Pole, where once a week (or thereabouts) I pollute our extreme and pristine environment with paper fishwrappers decorated with seemingly random letters that would cause a thousand monkeys with a thousand typewriters to die of humiliation. Such is the wisdom one acquires after more than 25 years in the world's second-least-respected occupation, much of it roaming the seven continents in search of jazz, unrecognizable street food and escorts I f****d with by insisting they give me the platonic tours of their cities promised in their ads. But it turns out this tiny group of islands known as Svalbard is my True Love and, generous contributions from you willing, I'll keep littering until they dig my body out when my climate-change-deformed apartment collapses or they exile my penniless ass because I'm not even worthy of washing your dirty dishes.
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